Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
