he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
