mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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