Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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