we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
