Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
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I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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