see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
