mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
This is the high leading the old right now
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
