We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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