bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
