My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
