I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
