Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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