Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
