Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
