This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
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I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
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For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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