I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
