i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize