U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
