Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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