My sheets look like a crime scene.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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