I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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