Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
