god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
