If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
you made out with another girl for some wings
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
