Kiss
Puke
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
