bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
