the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
