I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
