Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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