For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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