he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
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