This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
