my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
