so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
