so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
