You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
