last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
