also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
