I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
