If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
if only i could text you this smell
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
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