If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
