I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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