i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
