im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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