i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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