why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
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