elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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