if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
God I need to hump something, right now.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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