there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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