Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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