I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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