You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
