Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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