I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
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Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
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OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
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