I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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