Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
